During a period of insanity, a person doesn’t realize they’re insane. Only after do their eyes finally open allowing them to see, most of the time. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result, but there’s another word that also comes to mind when I hear that definition; love. I feel it’s only right that love be placed in the thesaurus as another synonym for insanity because it seems to me they mean the same thing. Or maybe I’m wrong and instead love is just the cause for insanity, like the side effects listed on the side of a prescription bottle, except love doesn’t come with those warnings on a label or in an instruction booklet. Instead rather, you have to take the risk of falling into it to find out. But after that first fall, rather than taking heed to what cautions are now reality, you continue to chase it, yearn for it, develop the belief that you need it, just as you would for those drugs in a prescription bottle. You’ve now experienced the risks first hand, have the knowledge of what happened the first time, and yet you’re still seeking it out again with the belief that it will be real this time, that it will last, that it will be different. Then sooner or later you do happen upon it again, except it doesn’t last, and the only thing that’s different are the wounds, the scars you attained this time. This time you tell yourself it won’t happen again but times passes by, and this time love surprises you, and slowly but surely you fall again, and those hopes, dreams, and expectations creep back in and you’re positive that this time it is different, until it eventually isn’t….and the cycle continues. Now tell me isn’t that insanity? And why is it that we can never open our eyes long enough to see it……
This is just something short I wrote really for myself and for someone else, and originally didn’t plan on posting it, but let me know what you think.. 🙂
I miss the day a few months after we became an us within that first year when we were just talking on the phone, like we did all the time for hours then, and you said out of no where, “I was the light of your life”, and actually meant it. I laughed because it was cheesy and adorable and no one had ever said anything like that to me before, and it immediately gave me butterflies and made me incredibly happy. You essentially said to me that I was the best thing in your life and made you truly happy. I never knew that inside you actually took offense and thought I was laughing at you and basically making fun of you saying that and so never said anything like that again or I would have told you, told you that I would have never laughed at you or made fun of you for that. It took me by surprise and I laughed because it was the most adorable thing, and I’d heard it in movies and assumed you had too, not that you just thought it up to say to me because that was exactly how you felt about me. I wish I knew then, I wish you had said something, so I could tell you that, and tell you that I felt the same. Tell you that that you saying that brought the biggest smile across my face and that in that moment, you saying those words to me, made me think of absolutely nothing else, and that in that moment I felt truly happy. And I wish I knew so that you could have said it again or at least something like it, but I guess it’s too late for that now and it really doesn’t matter because you don’t feel that way about me anymore. Sometimes I wonder now if you even did then, if you even meant those words when you said them, but I’ll continue believing you did, so that I can have that memory and believe that this wasn’t all just a game to you, that at some point in time you truly loved me. I just wish I got to hear those words again and that you meant them now…..
How can I express my feelings on paper when I have none. You took everything left I had in me, there’es nothing left to give, nothing left to feel. I thought you were different. You took the time to gain my trust, to give the last small piece of my heart I had left to love you, open up to you, give everything I had for you to just shatter it all to pieces. You told me you weren’t like the others, to stop comparing you to them and let you in, let my wall down just to prove you’re just the same. You may not have hit me or cheated on me, but what you fail to realize is those aren’t the only ways to break a person. You chose a different route, but it ended up in the same result; me hurt, broken, scarred, and unloved once again. The only difference is this time you took away any chance of me getting the opportunity to try again because you took everything, the little I had left.