I thought the blinders were finally off. I thought I was finally being strong, finally seeing clearly, but I was wrong. The infinite love I feel for you kept me holding onto the delusional hope that something would change, that you would change; back to the person I met, the person I fell in love with. I gave you one more week, 30 more days, just one last day, just one more one last chance to change your mind, keep your word, fight for this relationship and to keep me in your life. I stupidly thought if I just kept giving you one more time, one more chance, talking to you about us over and over again, telling you what would happen if you said no and didn’t take that next step forward with me, everything I’ve done for you and offer, the truth about our relationship. I foolishly believed that with all of that that you would finally realize, realize that this is the last straw and I’m serious this time, that you will never find anyone like me, everything I’ve done for you, and that I’m not like the others, that your so incredibly lucky to have me. I thought that for once, this time, after everything I’ve done for you, for us to work, all the unforgivable you’ve done that I’ve forgiven, that you’d finally realize that you can’t live without me and you’ll do anything to keep me, that this time you’d say yes. You’d say yes I’m right and that after everything that I deserve that, that I deserve for you to say yes and keep your word, and finally take the next step with me and move in and give it everything you’ve got to make it work. I believed whole-heartedly that you would finally say you’re sorry, that I deserve for you to move forward, to be the man I fell in love with, and for once keep your word to me. Lastly, ready to prove your in love with me, show your committed, show me that I’m the one for you and start a new, a better life with me expecting it to last forever. But again I was so wrong, so overwhelmed by disappointment, the last piece I had of my heart left shattered into the tiniest slivers, making it impossible to ever try and put it back together, to ever try and give it to someone else. All this ever was was a challenge, a game to you and now that its over you think you won, and you may have for now, but in the end I’ll be the one who actually wins. I’ll win because in the end I’ll find someone who loves me, someone who will give and do everything you didn’t, and I’ll be over you and actually happy. While you’ll end up in the end alone, getting with the occasional hoe, thinking about the fact that I was the one and how you made the biggest mistake of your life, wanting nothing more than to change everything at that moment and get me back, but its past too late and I’ll never look back….
I know I said this before, but a lot has happened over the last few months which is why I haven’t been keeping up with my blog, but I’m back officially and will be posting more than once a week. The positive is everything I’ve went through the last few months has given me a lot to write about. I hope you relate to them and enjoy 🙂
I went to sleep happy, with the faith that it would actually work this time. I actually felt a small piece of happiness, and then woke up with it all shattered once again. We just had a talk a few days prior to both come clean, lay everything on the table, and then I wake up only to discover more lies, that I was the only one that actually came clean so that we could start all over, what he said he wanted; when he gave me his word what we would do to fix this, and that it would actually be different this time. And once again stupidly I believed every word of it. And then I uncover it was again all a lie. When I turned on my phone and read those words and found out two of the biggest, most hurtful lies, I physically felt the last piece of my heart shatter. It literally felt as though someone, he, stabbed me directly in the heart as it was rapidly beating. I fell to the ground in pain, holding my chest, unable to breathe as tears began to quickly run down my face uncontrollably and I had a complete mental breakdown. I had given love one last chance with a person I had forgiven for deeply hurting me in the past, given my entire heart and soul to this person, went about the relationship in the right way, and for the first time truly fell in love and wasn’t with him because I ‘needed’ someone, and at the time he made me so happy. I gave him chance after chance to change, treat me right, open up, emotionally be there, as I did everything, put in all the effort I had to fight to make this work, and he did none of it in return. I should have seen it earlier, realized it before, but the love I had for him blinded me, and I didn’t have the strength until now to finally open my eyes. And now I’m alone, numb, shattered, with my life in shambles, while he walks away unaffected, whole, unbroken, holding on to the last piece of my heart so I never have a chance to try again, and with the belief that love is nothing but a myth to give us something to live for, when it reality it doesn’t exist….
I just wanted to let everyone know I’m so sorry for how long its been since I posted a writing, I’ve been going through a lot over the last few months and just get everything together, but im back! and starting today I will post at least once a week!
“For what its worth: its never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet new people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of, and if you find that your not, I hope you find the strength to start all over again”
-F. Scott Fitzgerald.
I just found this quote yesterday and I absolutely love it and feel it speaks volumes. I’m getting that last sentence tattooed on me because it says so much and will be a motivation everytime I look at it. For me personally, I am very afraid of change and prefer to stay in my comfort zone than to take any type of risks. I feel as though even if that comfort zone is a negative one, I’d prefer to leave it the way it is rather than taking the risk to change it and ending up worse off. I’ve moved three times, and all three places are within 10 miles of eachother or less because I prefer to stay where I know. I know where everything is and have my family and people I know. So why would I move away and have to figure out where everything is, and try to meet people and know no one? I always chose the exact type of men that don’t treat me well, are doing nothing with themselves or are only after one thing because at least I know what to expect and so won’t be hurt. I’d rather have that than risk being with a different type of person and letting my wall down only to be hurt and shattered because my heart can’t handle any more pain. So the question is if I’m not at all living a life I’m proud of, and I’m too afraid to change, how will I ever have the strength to start all over?
Why is it that so many of us ignore our first instinct? I knew in my gut that you were lying, and yet I wanted to believe you so badly that I just pushed that feeling to the side, put my faith in you with the hope that it would be different for once this time. That when you made that promise you intended to keep it and that when you said you loved me you actually meant it. Why is it that our innate need for human connection, for that one person who will love us with everything they have flaws in all, blinds us so badly that we are capable only of seeing what we want to. The signs, the lies, the flaws, the truth seem to just move out of our peripheral vision left off to the side, and if we catch a glimpse we refuse to see it for what it is, and use all the brain power necessary to come up with a reason, an excuse out of fear of seeing the truth and having to start all over again. I knew you were lying, you’d done so repeatedly in the past about it, and yet I wanted it to work so badly, loved you so much and gave everything I had left that I wanted, needed to believe you this time. I told you I emotionally couldn’t take another disappointment from you, I begged you not to lie to me again, and you assured me you wouldn’t do that. That you promise this time, and you brought me so much joy only to knowingly shatter it within days, and eliminate any chance of me being capable of giving myself to anyone else. And now I’ve never felt so cold, empty, heartless, and dead; let alone wished that so much on another person in return. All I can do from this point is be happy that although it unfortunately took this long, you finally revealed your true colors and I was finally capable of seeing them….
Why is is that when life falls apart, rather than slowly crumbling piece by piece, instead it shatters completely within an instant. It’s common knowledge that every life has its downfalls, hurt, struggles, pain, but why can’t there be periods of time between those misfortunes to recover, build yourself back up prior to having to endure yet another one? Why instead is it that after having a piece of your life fall apart do all of the other pieces have to fall apart immediately after? So quickly that you aren’t capable anymore of trying to put the pieces back together. So broken that you can’t help but ask what’s the point? How long this time before everything shatters completely all over again? And how many times can this happen before you can’t recover, before the pieces are shattered so small and seemingly so out of reach that you no longer have the means to to put any of them back together? When you have nothing left in you to try. And you can’t help but ask yourself if this is all life is, struggle and pain. If there is even any such thing as real happiness or if it’s just another fairytale, something we hold on to to keep going because everytime you start to feel the slightest hint of it, its immediately taken away….