Epiphany

The worst thing to realize is that u wasted your life, something u will never get back, not on something that just didn’t work out, but that u find out was a complete lie from the very start…

Will probably add this or turn it into a longer writing but had to post it bc it was on my mind now, and I have about 4 new posts il be putting up tomorrow.: )

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How can a person look into your eyes, smile at you everyday, confess how much they love you, when every single word that comes out of their mouth is a lie, every promise made will be broken, every sincere apology really means leave it alone they did nothing wrong and will do it again with no sympathy or regret whatsoever. How can a person say they love you when they constantly engulf you in pain and disappointment, and everytime they do it they shatter a small piece of you, pieces you can never get back. The cycle continues, quickly chipping you away piece by piece until there is nothing left to shatter; to take. They continue giving you a sliver of happiness, a glimmer of hope that they’ve changed, so we give them that 2nd, 8th, 20th chance, only for them to without hesitation rip it all from under you, leaving you hurt, broken, and stupid for falling for it all over again. The love we have for them, our entire heart and soul we’ve given to them completely blinds us, erases all of our common sense, all of our knowledge and instincts. It continues to give us the hope and faith that this person loves us too, loves us so much that they will change, stop lying, treat us right, do anything to maintain our happiness, yet it never happens because they don’t actually love or care for us in the slightest bit. All we are are placeholders waiting until the person they actually feel is the right one comes along….

Insanity

During a period of insanity, a person doesn’t realize they’re insane. Only after do their eyes finally open allowing them to see, most of the time. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result, but there’s another word that also comes to mind when I hear that definition; love. I feel it’s only right that love be placed in the thesaurus as another synonym for insanity because it seems to me they mean the same thing. Or maybe I’m wrong and instead love is just the cause for insanity, like the side effects listed on the side of a prescription bottle, except love doesn’t come with those warnings on a label or in an instruction booklet. Instead rather, you have to take the risk of falling into it to find out. But after that first fall, rather than taking heed to what cautions are now reality, you continue to chase it, yearn for it, develop the belief that you need it, just as you would for those drugs in a prescription bottle. You’ve now experienced the risks first hand, have the knowledge of what happened the first time, and yet you’re still seeking it out again with the belief that it will be real this time, that it will last, that it will be different. Then sooner or later you do happen upon it again, except it doesn’t last, and the only thing that’s different are the wounds, the scars you attained this time. This time you tell yourself it won’t happen again but times passes by, and this time love surprises you, and slowly but surely you fall again, and those hopes, dreams, and expectations creep back in and you’re positive that this time it is different, until it eventually isn’t….and the cycle continues. Now tell me isn’t that insanity? And why is it that we can never open our eyes long enough to see it……

Im back :)

I’ve been gone quite awhile, been going through a lot of things, but I’m back 🙂 and the positive is I have so much more to now write about. Hopefully you haven’t forgotten me, and enjoy the previous of course and new posts I’ll be writing. And I encourage comments and feedback because I’d really like to know what you think, so please let me know! I actually just finished a new writing now, but I’ll start with one of my recent tattoos and favorite quote.

“I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again”. I love the whole thing, but that’s my favorite line. 🙂

The Words You Used to Say to Me…

This is just something short I wrote really for myself and for someone else, and originally didn’t plan on posting it, but let me know what you think.. 🙂

I miss the day a few months after we became an us within that first year when we were just talking on the phone, like we did all the time for hours then, and you said out of no where, “I was the light of your life”, and actually meant it. I laughed because it was cheesy and adorable and no one had ever said anything like that to me before, and it immediately gave me butterflies and made me incredibly happy. You essentially said to me that I was the best thing in your life and made you truly happy. I never knew that inside you actually took offense and thought I was laughing at you and basically making fun of you saying that and so never said anything like that again or I would have told you, told you that I would have never laughed at you or made fun of you for that. It took me by surprise and I laughed because it was the most adorable thing, and I’d heard it in movies and assumed you had too, not that you just thought it up to say to me because that was exactly how you felt about me. I wish I knew then, I wish you had said something, so I could tell you that, and tell you that I felt the same. Tell you that that you saying that brought the biggest smile across my face and that in that moment, you saying those words to me, made me think of absolutely nothing else, and that in that moment I felt truly happy. And I wish I knew so that you could have said it again or at least something like it, but I guess it’s too late for that now and it really doesn’t matter because you don’t feel that way about me anymore. Sometimes I wonder now if you even did then, if you even meant those words when you said them, but I’ll continue believing you did, so that I can have that memory and believe that this wasn’t all just a game to you, that at some point in time you truly loved me. I just wish I got to hear those words again and that you meant them now…..

 

Game Over

I thought the blinders were finally off. I thought I was finally being strong, finally seeing clearly, but I was wrong. The infinite love I feel for you kept me holding onto the delusional hope that something would change, that you would change; back to the person I met, the person I fell in love with. I gave you one more week, 30 more days, just one last day, just one more one last chance to change your mind, keep your word, fight for this relationship and to keep me in your life. I stupidly thought if I just kept giving you one more time, one more chance, talking to you about us over and over again, telling you what would happen if you said no and didn’t take that next step forward with me, everything I’ve done for you and offer, the truth about our relationship.  I foolishly believed that with all of that that you would finally realize, realize that this is the last straw and I’m serious this time, that you will never find anyone like me, everything I’ve done for you, and that I’m not like the others, that your so incredibly lucky to have me. I thought that for once, this time, after everything I’ve done for you, for us to work, all the unforgivable you’ve done that I’ve forgiven, that you’d finally realize that you can’t live without me and you’ll do anything to keep me, that this time you’d say yes. You’d say yes I’m right and that after everything that I deserve that, that I deserve for you to say yes and keep your word, and finally take the next step with me and move in and give it everything you’ve got to make it work. I believed whole-heartedly that you would finally say you’re sorry, that I deserve for you to move forward, to be the man I fell in love with, and for once keep your word to me. Lastly, ready to prove your in love with me, show your committed, show me that I’m the one for you and start a new, a better life with me expecting it to last forever. But again I was so wrong, so overwhelmed by disappointment, the last piece I had of my heart left shattered into the tiniest slivers, making it impossible to ever try and put it back together, to ever try and give it to someone else. All this ever was was a challenge, a game to you and now that its over you think you won, and you may have for now, but in the end I’ll be the one who actually wins. I’ll win because in the end I’ll find someone who loves me, someone who will give and do everything you didn’t, and I’ll be over you and actually happy. While you’ll end up in the end alone, getting with the occasional hoe, thinking about the fact that I was the one and how you made the biggest mistake of your life, wanting nothing more than to change everything at that moment and get me back, but its past too late and I’ll never look back….