How can a person look into your eyes, smile at you everyday, confess how much they love you, when every single word that comes out of their mouth is a lie, every promise made will be broken, every sincere apology really means leave it alone they did nothing wrong and will do it again with no sympathy or regret whatsoever. How can a person say they love you when they constantly engulf you in pain and disappointment, and everytime they do it they shatter a small piece of you, pieces you can never get back. The cycle continues, quickly chipping you away piece by piece until there is nothing left to shatter; to take. They continue giving you a sliver of happiness, a glimmer of hope that they’ve changed, so we give them that 2nd, 8th, 20th chance, only for them to without hesitation rip it all from under you, leaving you hurt, broken, and stupid for falling for it all over again. The love we have for them, our entire heart and soul we’ve given to them completely blinds us, erases all of our common sense, all of our knowledge and instincts. It continues to give us the hope and faith that this person loves us too, loves us so much that they will change, stop lying, treat us right, do anything to maintain our happiness, yet it never happens because they don’t actually love or care for us in the slightest bit. All we are are placeholders waiting until the person they actually feel is the right one comes along….
Why do I continue to put so much faith, hope, in someone who will never change? Why do I have so much belief in someone who repeats the same patterns over and over again? Someone who uses me, lies to my face daily, is never there, throws me to the side as though I’m nothing with no empathy or emotions whatsoever, while I give 100% of everything to him get nothing in return. I give him chance after chance, truly believing that he loves me, that it will be different this time. That he loves me so deeply that he would want to change, treat me right, make me happy, be the person I fell in love with again. In the beginning he was there through everything, did everything in his power for months to gain my trust, asked for this relationship, said those three words first, made me so happy, told me I was the light of his life, and then everything changed; he changed. Every aspect, characteristic that I fell in love with disappeared and it progressively got worse until the point that I have nothing in my heart left to give, to the point that I am filled with so much hate, so much anger towards him for what he has done to me; how he shattered me and my life piece by piece without me even realizing it until there was nothing left to shatter, to break. He is the only person I truly fell in love with, gave my entire heart, soul, everything to, and this is what I end up getting in return. I told him in the beginning, with everything I have been through that I literally cannot handle being hurt again, and he gave me his word, and did everything in his power, everything right until I finally believed him, and then when he knew he had my heart in his hands he crushed it. And then I stupidly gave him yet another chance to keep his word, try to make this work. I even said he could give it a month trial, live here, move forward like he agreed, promised and lied about to me over and over again, so I could show him he would be happy even though I was never the one who was the problem, and then he could move in permanently and we could finally start the next step in our relationship and that if he couldn’t do that that I couldn’t do this anymore. And his response? That he’d have to think about it. After everything he did to me, that he’s supposedly in love with me and will lose me if he can’t for once in return come out of his comfort zone and move forward, and all he had the nerve to say to me was he’d think about it. That response broke me, destroyed the little I had left. After all the promises and lies, he couldn’t think to himself that he loves me and couldn’t imagine life without me, that I deserve for him to at least try rather than making the choice to lose me forever? And then knowing the outcome I gave him one last chance to give me an answer by morning, to think one more time and take this seriously and give me the right answer. And for some reason I built up so much faith in him that he would this time, but instead that same night he holds me, embraces me, makes ‘love’ to me, and then immediately after before even sleeping on it, he says that he would never live in this prison with me. Instantaneously tears uncontrollably ran down my face, I let him use me again, and his response wasn’t to comfort me, apologize, change his mind; he said don’t act like you didn’t get something out of it too….Never again will my wall ever come down for anyone, never again will I give another person a chance. I have nothing left to give, and I now finally know that true love really is a myth, something made up to give us something to live for, when in reality all it is is something that gives you glimpses of happiness, glimpses of hope, and constant pain, and then your entire world crumbles from beneath you and you’re empty all over again….
Why is it that so many of us ignore our first instinct? I knew in my gut that you were lying, and yet I wanted to believe you so badly that I just pushed that feeling to the side, put my faith in you with the hope that it would be different for once this time. That when you made that promise you intended to keep it and that when you said you loved me you actually meant it. Why is it that our innate need for human connection, for that one person who will love us with everything they have flaws in all, blinds us so badly that we are capable only of seeing what we want to. The signs, the lies, the flaws, the truth seem to just move out of our peripheral vision left off to the side, and if we catch a glimpse we refuse to see it for what it is, and use all the brain power necessary to come up with a reason, an excuse out of fear of seeing the truth and having to start all over again. I knew you were lying, you’d done so repeatedly in the past about it, and yet I wanted it to work so badly, loved you so much and gave everything I had left that I wanted, needed to believe you this time. I told you I emotionally couldn’t take another disappointment from you, I begged you not to lie to me again, and you assured me you wouldn’t do that. That you promise this time, and you brought me so much joy only to knowingly shatter it within days, and eliminate any chance of me being capable of giving myself to anyone else. And now I’ve never felt so cold, empty, heartless, and dead; let alone wished that so much on another person in return. All I can do from this point is be happy that although it unfortunately took this long, you finally revealed your true colors and I was finally capable of seeing them….
Why is is that when life falls apart, rather than slowly crumbling piece by piece, instead it shatters completely within an instant. It’s common knowledge that every life has its downfalls, hurt, struggles, pain, but why can’t there be periods of time between those misfortunes to recover, build yourself back up prior to having to endure yet another one? Why instead is it that after having a piece of your life fall apart do all of the other pieces have to fall apart immediately after? So quickly that you aren’t capable anymore of trying to put the pieces back together. So broken that you can’t help but ask what’s the point? How long this time before everything shatters completely all over again? And how many times can this happen before you can’t recover, before the pieces are shattered so small and seemingly so out of reach that you no longer have the means to to put any of them back together? When you have nothing left in you to try. And you can’t help but ask yourself if this is all life is, struggle and pain. If there is even any such thing as real happiness or if it’s just another fairytale, something we hold on to to keep going because everytime you start to feel the slightest hint of it, its immediately taken away….
It hurts so bad I can physically feel my heart breaking, the very last part of it shattering to pieces. Why did I respond to that message? Why did I allow myself to give you another chance, have the hope that maybe after all time you weren’t the same person you were back then. How could I not see that you knew knew my weaknesses, and would use that to gain my trust, break down my wall? You showed me exactly what I wanted to see until you knew you had my heart, and then you showed me you. The real you, the person who could hear me cry and turn away as though it was nothing, the person who asked me to open up and when I did closed his ears, the person that knowingly made promises he knew he would break, whos only thought in his mind was himself. I just want to know why, how the words I love you can pass through your lips with such casualty. Were you just bored with the normal pattern of one night stands and needed more of a challenge, something more exciting? You knew about my past and yet didn’t thik of the end result, how this would affect me? Or maybe you did but it just didn’t matter, I didn’t matter. So I just want to apologize not to you, but to myself, for allowing in the hope that I could actually find someone, that it would be different this time, that I would be happy…because we all know that only happens in fairytales…
I’m sure everyone knows the quote, “we accept the love we think we deserve”. Why is it that so many of us feel we deserve so little? Allowing others to give us little if nothing at all, put us down, give empty apologies for the same things over and over, cheat, lay their hands on us, lie. Could it be that that quote isn’t fully true? That when the person you love makes these mistakes over and over that you forgive them, give second chances, try to make it work because thats what love is and you just don’t want to let that person go? But where is that line? The one that tells you the difference between love and just accepting? It’s true that in every relationship both people are bound to make mistakes and that relationships take work, but when only one person is making the effort while the other repeatedly makes those mistakes that isn’t love, and by staying, accepting that, waiting for a change you know will never happen, you’re settling for that kind of love that kind of relationship. The truth is if you felt you deserved better you’d find it. You can say over and over again that you deserve better, say you deserve all of the things you know you want from a person, but if you honestly believed thatyou wouldn’t be here, wouldn’t continue to stay. So I guess the question comes back to, what makes us feel we deserve so little?
It feels as though the closer I get, the farther away you go. The more comfortable and safe I get with you, the more you show me I shouldn’t. I finally got to the point where I was able to really be ‘in’ this relationship and move forward, and it’s as if you are reversing away. The hardest part was finally being able to place all my eggs in one basket, yet you only gave me half of yours. I honestly don’t know what you want from me. You tell me we are moving too slow so I finally work at it and fully commit and ask you to move in with me, and now? Now thats too fast, yet you love me so much that you’d prefer to be away from me? You said I’m too distant, and now I’m stifling you. You complained I wasn’t opening up to you, now that I am you’re not listening. It honestly feels as though in the beginning you gave me your heart, but then once I was able to give mine to you too, you took yours back. Whether you ever admit it or not, that night on my birthday you said I love you first. And do you know how I know that? Because when you said it, I paused because I never expected that from you,ever, in all honestly it never crossed my mind because I just expected that with how you are that this was just temporary. And I wasn’t sure if I should say it back, or if i’d mean it if I did. I mean I even asked you to move in then and took it back, because I wasn’t sure and I didn’t trust you enough to take that step. It takes me a lot to ask that, yet you turn it down in a heartbeat. After I said I love you back, still unsure, I thought about it and I did mean it with all my heart, I just expected so little from you just like everyone else and wouldn’t allow myself to feel it. But I finally did, and my brick wall came crumbling down with it, and as always once that happened you broke another piece of my heart and now that brick wall is slowly but surely building back up even higher than before. Unfortunately, I don’t have too many pieces left, so once that wall gets back up it’s not coming back down, for you or anyone else. I’m done putting myself on the line and having expectations of people, because no matter how sure I am I continue to be disappointed. I honestly don’t even know what to do anymore, sometimes I feel as though even though I’m unhappy with you not changing, I can’t leave because I know I’l go back to what I was doing before because thats what I know. I know what to expect, nothing, and I don’t get hurt, and I’m happier that way. Sure I don’t get to have the fairytale and meet a great guy who truly loves me and be ‘respected’ but hey, im done looking for him. I tried too many times, and my heart honestly can’t take anymore….