As I move one step forward, you take 2 back…

It feels as though the closer I get, the farther away you go. The more comfortable and safe I get with you, the more you show me I shouldn’t. I finally got to the point where I was able to really be ‘in’ this relationship and move forward, and it’s as if you are reversing away. The hardest part was finally being able to place all my eggs in one basket, yet you only gave me half of yours. I honestly don’t know what you want from me. You tell me we are moving too slow so I finally work at it and fully commit and ask you to move in with me, and now? Now thats too fast, yet you love me so much that you’d prefer to be away from me? You said I’m too distant, and now I’m stifling you. You complained I wasn’t opening up to you, now that I am you’re not listening. It honestly feels as though in the beginning you gave me your heart, but then once I was able to give mine to you too, you took yours back. Whether you ever admit it or not, that night on my birthday you said I love you first. And do you know how I know that? Because when you said it, I paused  because I never expected that from you,ever, in all honestly it never crossed my mind because I just expected that with how you are that this was just temporary. And I wasn’t sure if I should say it back, or if i’d mean it if I did. I mean I even asked you to move in then and took it back, because I wasn’t sure and I didn’t trust you enough to take that step. It takes me a lot to ask that, yet you turn it down in a heartbeat. After I said I love you back, still unsure, I thought about it and I did mean it with all my heart, I just expected so little from you just like everyone else and wouldn’t allow myself to feel it. But I finally did, and my brick wall came crumbling down with it, and as always once that happened you broke another piece of my heart and now that brick wall is slowly but surely building back up even higher than before. Unfortunately, I don’t have too many pieces left, so once that wall gets back up it’s not coming back down, for you or anyone else. I’m done putting myself on the line and having expectations of people, because no matter how sure I am I continue to be disappointed. I honestly don’t even know what to do anymore, sometimes I feel as though even though I’m unhappy with you not changing, I can’t leave because I know I’l go back to what I was doing before because thats what I know. I know what to expect, nothing, and I don’t get hurt, and I’m happier that way. Sure I don’t get to have the fairytale and meet a great guy who truly loves me and be ‘respected’ but hey, im done looking for him. I tried too many times, and my heart honestly can’t take anymore….

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You stole everything I had left…

How can I express my feelings on paper when I have none. You took everything left I had in me, there’es nothing left to give, nothing left to feel. I thought you were different. You took the time to gain my trust, to give the last small piece of my heart I had left to love you, open up to you, give everything I had for you to just shatter it all to pieces. You told me you weren’t like the others, to stop comparing you to them and let you in, let my wall down just to prove you’re just the same. You may not have hit me or cheated on me, but what you fail to realize is those aren’t the only ways to break a person. You chose a different route, but it ended up in the same result; me hurt, broken, scarred, and unloved once again. The only difference is this time you took away any chance of me getting the opportunity to try again because you took everything, the little I had left.

Uncertainty

I can understand your perspective and why you’re upset because you’ve chosen to put all of your eggs in one basket; my basket; but unfortunately I don’t have the ability or courage to do the same. See I’ve tried that many times, and everytime that basket gets dropped, and what am I left with? Nothing. So I’ve decided I’m done risking myself, done being vulnerable, done being broken. The thing is you don’t know me, no one really does. You know how I know? Because I get so lost in hiding so many parts of me that I don’t even know me. I’m not ready to take the rest of my eggs and place them into your basket because I’m not sure exactly how I feel about you yet, and there are so many things I want in a person that you lack. I’m not going to take a risk on an unsure thing, and I refuse to continue settling to protect others feelings while they hurt mine. I don’t want someone who continuously reminds me of my past and assumes the worst. I want someone who can accept it, and who brings out the best in me. I don’t want someone I have to help with their worries, I want someone who will take away mine. I don’t want someone who gets frustrated and ignores the only thing that allows me to get by, even if that thing to you is just a dog and nothing more. I want someone who loves her just as much, if not more, than I do. I don’t want someone who gets upset that I won’t so easily just open up and say how I feel, I need someone who is patient, understands that it takes me time and makes me comfortable enough to do so. I don’t want someone who acts as though nothing has happened when an argument or issue arises, I want someone who will at least address it even if it means just arguing back. This may seem like too much to ask, but I need someone who has almost if not everything that I want once I figure out what that is because I’ve tried too many times with people who have had none of it. I need someone I don’t have to question or second guess about. Only then will I be comfortable breaking my wall down, putting all my eggs in one basket. The fact of the matter is I can’t afford to take any more risks, only gaurantees, and because there are no gaurantees in life I’ll likely never put all my eggs in one basket so I hope you’ll accept the half I have the capability of giving you…