How can a person look into your eyes, smile at you everyday, confess how much they love you, when every single word that comes out of their mouth is a lie, every promise made will be broken, every sincere apology really means leave it alone they did nothing wrong and will do it again with no sympathy or regret whatsoever. How can a person say they love you when they constantly engulf you in pain and disappointment, and everytime they do it they shatter a small piece of you, pieces you can never get back. The cycle continues, quickly chipping you away piece by piece until there is nothing left to shatter; to take. They continue giving you a sliver of happiness, a glimmer of hope that they’ve changed, so we give them that 2nd, 8th, 20th chance, only for them to without hesitation rip it all from under you, leaving you hurt, broken, and stupid for falling for it all over again. The love we have for them, our entire heart and soul we’ve given to them completely blinds us, erases all of our common sense, all of our knowledge and instincts. It continues to give us the hope and faith that this person loves us too, loves us so much that they will change, stop lying, treat us right, do anything to maintain our happiness, yet it never happens because they don’t actually love or care for us in the slightest bit. All we are are placeholders waiting until the person they actually feel is the right one comes along….
Why is it that so many of us ignore our first instinct? I knew in my gut that you were lying, and yet I wanted to believe you so badly that I just pushed that feeling to the side, put my faith in you with the hope that it would be different for once this time. That when you made that promise you intended to keep it and that when you said you loved me you actually meant it. Why is it that our innate need for human connection, for that one person who will love us with everything they have flaws in all, blinds us so badly that we are capable only of seeing what we want to. The signs, the lies, the flaws, the truth seem to just move out of our peripheral vision left off to the side, and if we catch a glimpse we refuse to see it for what it is, and use all the brain power necessary to come up with a reason, an excuse out of fear of seeing the truth and having to start all over again. I knew you were lying, you’d done so repeatedly in the past about it, and yet I wanted it to work so badly, loved you so much and gave everything I had left that I wanted, needed to believe you this time. I told you I emotionally couldn’t take another disappointment from you, I begged you not to lie to me again, and you assured me you wouldn’t do that. That you promise this time, and you brought me so much joy only to knowingly shatter it within days, and eliminate any chance of me being capable of giving myself to anyone else. And now I’ve never felt so cold, empty, heartless, and dead; let alone wished that so much on another person in return. All I can do from this point is be happy that although it unfortunately took this long, you finally revealed your true colors and I was finally capable of seeing them….
Why is is that when life falls apart, rather than slowly crumbling piece by piece, instead it shatters completely within an instant. It’s common knowledge that every life has its downfalls, hurt, struggles, pain, but why can’t there be periods of time between those misfortunes to recover, build yourself back up prior to having to endure yet another one? Why instead is it that after having a piece of your life fall apart do all of the other pieces have to fall apart immediately after? So quickly that you aren’t capable anymore of trying to put the pieces back together. So broken that you can’t help but ask what’s the point? How long this time before everything shatters completely all over again? And how many times can this happen before you can’t recover, before the pieces are shattered so small and seemingly so out of reach that you no longer have the means to to put any of them back together? When you have nothing left in you to try. And you can’t help but ask yourself if this is all life is, struggle and pain. If there is even any such thing as real happiness or if it’s just another fairytale, something we hold on to to keep going because everytime you start to feel the slightest hint of it, its immediately taken away….
It hurts so bad I can physically feel my heart breaking, the very last part of it shattering to pieces. Why did I respond to that message? Why did I allow myself to give you another chance, have the hope that maybe after all time you weren’t the same person you were back then. How could I not see that you knew knew my weaknesses, and would use that to gain my trust, break down my wall? You showed me exactly what I wanted to see until you knew you had my heart, and then you showed me you. The real you, the person who could hear me cry and turn away as though it was nothing, the person who asked me to open up and when I did closed his ears, the person that knowingly made promises he knew he would break, whos only thought in his mind was himself. I just want to know why, how the words I love you can pass through your lips with such casualty. Were you just bored with the normal pattern of one night stands and needed more of a challenge, something more exciting? You knew about my past and yet didn’t thik of the end result, how this would affect me? Or maybe you did but it just didn’t matter, I didn’t matter. So I just want to apologize not to you, but to myself, for allowing in the hope that I could actually find someone, that it would be different this time, that I would be happy…because we all know that only happens in fairytales…
People assume the only way they can hurt you is by beating you, cheating on you or directly insulting you, and if they aren’t doing those things they must be treating you well, but the truth of the matter is that just isnt the case. The truth is the small things that go unnoticed are what hurt the most. The things you don’t see because when you do them I go on and keep quiet, and even if I speak up you disregard them, see them as minor, unimportant, that there isn’t a possibility those things could affect me or that they should. But the reality of it is, you don’t have the right to tell me how I feel or what should or shouldn’t hurt me. You can’t even comprehend what I’ve endured, and therefore will never understand why the most miniscule thing to you hurts me so badly. Me opening up to you and you shutting it down, you not emotionally being there for me cuts deeper than a few bruises, and I can say that because I’ve experienced that too. And the truth is all of this shows how little you really know me. I could spell it out for you, and you wouldn’t see me because you’re not really looking, not trying to. If you were you would listen, at least try to understand why I feel the way I do rather than telling me when I should or shouldn’t. And then when you tell me you love me maybe I would actually believe you….
How can I express my feelings on paper when I have none. You took everything left I had in me, there’es nothing left to give, nothing left to feel. I thought you were different. You took the time to gain my trust, to give the last small piece of my heart I had left to love you, open up to you, give everything I had for you to just shatter it all to pieces. You told me you weren’t like the others, to stop comparing you to them and let you in, let my wall down just to prove you’re just the same. You may not have hit me or cheated on me, but what you fail to realize is those aren’t the only ways to break a person. You chose a different route, but it ended up in the same result; me hurt, broken, scarred, and unloved once again. The only difference is this time you took away any chance of me getting the opportunity to try again because you took everything, the little I had left.
How is it that so many of us can look at ourselves in such disgust, such hatred. We stand in front of the mirror and point out every flaw, overlooking all of our assets, all of our perfections. The once we can “fix” or get rid of one flaw, we begin looking for another. This pattern continues in the hope that one day we will finally attain what we consider perfection. What we fail to realize is that there is no such thing, and even if there was you would never attain it because you will continue to find just one more flaw…