Why do I continue to put so much faith, hope, in someone who will never change? Why do I have so much belief in someone who repeats the same patterns over and over again? Someone who uses me, lies to my face daily, is never there, throws me to the side as though I’m nothing with no empathy or emotions whatsoever, while I give 100% of everything to him get nothing in return. I give him chance after chance, truly believing that he loves me, that it will be different this time. That he loves me so deeply that he would want to change, treat me right, make me happy, be the person I fell in love with again. In the beginning he was there through everything, did everything in his power for months to gain my trust, asked for this relationship, said those three words first, made me so happy, told me I was the light of his life, and then everything changed; he changed. Every aspect, characteristic that I fell in love with disappeared and it progressively got worse until the point that I have nothing in my heart left to give, to the point that I am filled with so much hate, so much anger towards him for what he has done to me; how he shattered me and my life piece by piece without me even realizing it until there was nothing left to shatter, to break. He is the only person I truly fell in love with, gave my entire heart, soul, everything to, and this is what I end up getting in return. I told him in the beginning, with everything I have been through that I literally cannot handle being hurt again, and he gave me his word, and did everything in his power, everything right until I finally believed him, and then when he knew he had my heart in his hands he crushed it. And then I stupidly gave him yet another chance to keep his word, try to make this work. I even said he could give it a month trial, live here, move forward like he agreed, promised and lied about to me over and over again, so I could show him he would be happy even though I was never the one who was the problem, and then he could move in permanently and we could finally start the next step in our relationship and that if he couldn’t do that that I couldn’t do this anymore. And his response? That he’d have to think about it. After everything he did to me, that he’s supposedly in love with me and will lose me if he can’t for once in return come out of his comfort zone and move forward, and all he had the nerve to say to me was he’d think about it. That response broke me, destroyed the little I had left. After all the promises and lies, he couldn’t think to himself that he loves me and couldn’t imagine life without me, that I deserve for him to at least try rather than making the choice to lose me forever? And then knowing the outcome I gave him one last chance to give me an answer by morning, to think one more time and take this seriously and give me the right answer. And for some reason I built up so much faith in him that he would this time, but instead that same night he holds me, embraces me, makes ‘love’ to me, and then immediately after before even sleeping on it, he says that he would never live in this prison with me. Instantaneously tears uncontrollably ran down my face, I let him use me again, and his response wasn’t to comfort me, apologize, change his mind; he said don’t act like you didn’t get something out of it too….Never again will my wall ever come down for anyone, never again will I give another person a chance. I have nothing left to give, and I now finally know that true love really is a myth, something made up to give us something to live for, when in reality all it is is something that gives you glimpses of happiness, glimpses of hope, and constant pain, and then your entire world crumbles from beneath you and you’re empty all over again….
I thought the blinders were finally off. I thought I was finally being strong, finally seeing clearly, but I was wrong. The infinite love I feel for you kept me holding onto the delusional hope that something would change, that you would change; back to the person I met, the person I fell in love with. I gave you one more week, 30 more days, just one last day, just one more one last chance to change your mind, keep your word, fight for this relationship and to keep me in your life. I stupidly thought if I just kept giving you one more time, one more chance, talking to you about us over and over again, telling you what would happen if you said no and didn’t take that next step forward with me, everything I’ve done for you and offer, the truth about our relationship. I foolishly believed that with all of that that you would finally realize, realize that this is the last straw and I’m serious this time, that you will never find anyone like me, everything I’ve done for you, and that I’m not like the others, that your so incredibly lucky to have me. I thought that for once, this time, after everything I’ve done for you, for us to work, all the unforgivable you’ve done that I’ve forgiven, that you’d finally realize that you can’t live without me and you’ll do anything to keep me, that this time you’d say yes. You’d say yes I’m right and that after everything that I deserve that, that I deserve for you to say yes and keep your word, and finally take the next step with me and move in and give it everything you’ve got to make it work. I believed whole-heartedly that you would finally say you’re sorry, that I deserve for you to move forward, to be the man I fell in love with, and for once keep your word to me. Lastly, ready to prove your in love with me, show your committed, show me that I’m the one for you and start a new, a better life with me expecting it to last forever. But again I was so wrong, so overwhelmed by disappointment, the last piece I had of my heart left shattered into the tiniest slivers, making it impossible to ever try and put it back together, to ever try and give it to someone else. All this ever was was a challenge, a game to you and now that its over you think you won, and you may have for now, but in the end I’ll be the one who actually wins. I’ll win because in the end I’ll find someone who loves me, someone who will give and do everything you didn’t, and I’ll be over you and actually happy. While you’ll end up in the end alone, getting with the occasional hoe, thinking about the fact that I was the one and how you made the biggest mistake of your life, wanting nothing more than to change everything at that moment and get me back, but its past too late and I’ll never look back….
I know I said this before, but a lot has happened over the last few months which is why I haven’t been keeping up with my blog, but I’m back officially and will be posting more than once a week. The positive is everything I’ve went through the last few months has given me a lot to write about. I hope you relate to them and enjoy 🙂