As I move one step forward, you take 2 back…

It feels as though the closer I get, the farther away you go. The more comfortable and safe I get with you, the more you show me I shouldn’t. I finally got to the point where I was able to really be ‘in’ this relationship and move forward, and it’s as if you are reversing away. The hardest part was finally being able to place all my eggs in one basket, yet you only gave me half of yours. I honestly don’t know what you want from me. You tell me we are moving too slow so I finally work at it and fully commit and ask you to move in with me, and now? Now thats too fast, yet you love me so much that you’d prefer to be away from me? You said I’m too distant, and now I’m stifling you. You complained I wasn’t opening up to you, now that I am you’re not listening. It honestly feels as though in the beginning you gave me your heart, but then once I was able to give mine to you too, you took yours back. Whether you ever admit it or not, that night on my birthday you said I love you first. And do you know how I know that? Because when you said it, I paused  because I never expected that from you,ever, in all honestly it never crossed my mind because I just expected that with how you are that this was just temporary. And I wasn’t sure if I should say it back, or if i’d mean it if I did. I mean I even asked you to move in then and took it back, because I wasn’t sure and I didn’t trust you enough to take that step. It takes me a lot to ask that, yet you turn it down in a heartbeat. After I said I love you back, still unsure, I thought about it and I did mean it with all my heart, I just expected so little from you just like everyone else and wouldn’t allow myself to feel it. But I finally did, and my brick wall came crumbling down with it, and as always once that happened you broke another piece of my heart and now that brick wall is slowly but surely building back up even higher than before. Unfortunately, I don’t have too many pieces left, so once that wall gets back up it’s not coming back down, for you or anyone else. I’m done putting myself on the line and having expectations of people, because no matter how sure I am I continue to be disappointed. I honestly don’t even know what to do anymore, sometimes I feel as though even though I’m unhappy with you not changing, I can’t leave because I know I’l go back to what I was doing before because thats what I know. I know what to expect, nothing, and I don’t get hurt, and I’m happier that way. Sure I don’t get to have the fairytale and meet a great guy who truly loves me and be ‘respected’ but hey, im done looking for him. I tried too many times, and my heart honestly can’t take anymore….

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