Letting go isn’t as easy as it seems

I know the past is the past and that there will never be a way to go back and change it, yet I can’t seem to let it go. I can’t help but look back at myself with pure disgust, wondering how a life that started out so well could turn into a life of misery and so many mistakes. I look back at where I started and can’t comprehend how quickly it all changed, at how easily I ruined my whole life. Saying it that way sounds so dramatic, but I can’t seem to find another way to put it because its the truth. In less than a years time I found a way to lose the one person who loved me with all they had, get robbed, degraded, raped, beaten, and it only progressively got worse as time went on. I feel as though I can sit and talk about all the events that have taken place so nonchalantly as though they’ve happened to someone else because when enough happens to a person, at least for me, you eventually just go numb;empty; because your heart can’t bear the feeling or thought of any more pain. And I don’t want sympathy from anyone because honestly I don’t feel I deserve it. Sympathy is for those who had to endure a painful experience out of their control, the event happened upon them, and that’s not the case for me. I placed myself in situations, exposed myself to people that in the back of my mind knew would hurt me. And honestly I think I did it all on purpose because I felt that was what I deserved, that that was the best it was ever going to get for me…because truthfully even prior to all of these experiences I felt I was worthless…broken, always have been…

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