People assume the only way they can hurt you is by beating you, cheating on you or directly insulting you, and if they aren’t doing those things they must be treating you well, but the truth of the matter is that just isnt the case. The truth is the small things that go unnoticed are what hurt the most. The things you don’t see because when you do them I go on and keep quiet, and even if I speak up you disregard them, see them as minor, unimportant, that there isn’t a possibility those things could affect me or that they should. But the reality of it is, you don’t have the right to tell me how I feel or what should or shouldn’t hurt me. You can’t even comprehend what I’ve endured, and therefore will never understand why the most miniscule thing to you hurts me so badly. Me opening up to you and you shutting it down, you not emotionally being there for me cuts deeper than a few bruises, and I can say that because I’ve experienced that too. And the truth is all of this shows how little you really know me. I could spell it out for you, and you wouldn’t see me because you’re not really looking, not trying to. If you were you would listen, at least try to understand why I feel the way I do rather than telling me when I should or shouldn’t. And then when you tell me you love me maybe I would actually believe you….
Sorry haven’t had anything up in about a week i’ve had so much going on, but I’ve had a lot on my mind so il have something up tonight or tomorrow 🙂
I’m sure everyone knows the quote, “we accept the love we think we deserve”. Why is it that so many of us feel we deserve so little? Allowing others to give us little if nothing at all, put us down, give empty apologies for the same things over and over, cheat, lay their hands on us, lie. Could it be that that quote isn’t fully true? That when the person you love makes these mistakes over and over that you forgive them, give second chances, try to make it work because thats what love is and you just don’t want to let that person go? But where is that line? The one that tells you the difference between love and just accepting? It’s true that in every relationship both people are bound to make mistakes and that relationships take work, but when only one person is making the effort while the other repeatedly makes those mistakes that isn’t love, and by staying, accepting that, waiting for a change you know will never happen, you’re settling for that kind of love that kind of relationship. The truth is if you felt you deserved better you’d find it. You can say over and over again that you deserve better, say you deserve all of the things you know you want from a person, but if you honestly believed thatyou wouldn’t be here, wouldn’t continue to stay. So I guess the question comes back to, what makes us feel we deserve so little?
It feels as though the closer I get, the farther away you go. The more comfortable and safe I get with you, the more you show me I shouldn’t. I finally got to the point where I was able to really be ‘in’ this relationship and move forward, and it’s as if you are reversing away. The hardest part was finally being able to place all my eggs in one basket, yet you only gave me half of yours. I honestly don’t know what you want from me. You tell me we are moving too slow so I finally work at it and fully commit and ask you to move in with me, and now? Now thats too fast, yet you love me so much that you’d prefer to be away from me? You said I’m too distant, and now I’m stifling you. You complained I wasn’t opening up to you, now that I am you’re not listening. It honestly feels as though in the beginning you gave me your heart, but then once I was able to give mine to you too, you took yours back. Whether you ever admit it or not, that night on my birthday you said I love you first. And do you know how I know that? Because when you said it, I paused because I never expected that from you,ever, in all honestly it never crossed my mind because I just expected that with how you are that this was just temporary. And I wasn’t sure if I should say it back, or if i’d mean it if I did. I mean I even asked you to move in then and took it back, because I wasn’t sure and I didn’t trust you enough to take that step. It takes me a lot to ask that, yet you turn it down in a heartbeat. After I said I love you back, still unsure, I thought about it and I did mean it with all my heart, I just expected so little from you just like everyone else and wouldn’t allow myself to feel it. But I finally did, and my brick wall came crumbling down with it, and as always once that happened you broke another piece of my heart and now that brick wall is slowly but surely building back up even higher than before. Unfortunately, I don’t have too many pieces left, so once that wall gets back up it’s not coming back down, for you or anyone else. I’m done putting myself on the line and having expectations of people, because no matter how sure I am I continue to be disappointed. I honestly don’t even know what to do anymore, sometimes I feel as though even though I’m unhappy with you not changing, I can’t leave because I know I’l go back to what I was doing before because thats what I know. I know what to expect, nothing, and I don’t get hurt, and I’m happier that way. Sure I don’t get to have the fairytale and meet a great guy who truly loves me and be ‘respected’ but hey, im done looking for him. I tried too many times, and my heart honestly can’t take anymore….
How can I express my feelings on paper when I have none. You took everything left I had in me, there’es nothing left to give, nothing left to feel. I thought you were different. You took the time to gain my trust, to give the last small piece of my heart I had left to love you, open up to you, give everything I had for you to just shatter it all to pieces. You told me you weren’t like the others, to stop comparing you to them and let you in, let my wall down just to prove you’re just the same. You may not have hit me or cheated on me, but what you fail to realize is those aren’t the only ways to break a person. You chose a different route, but it ended up in the same result; me hurt, broken, scarred, and unloved once again. The only difference is this time you took away any chance of me getting the opportunity to try again because you took everything, the little I had left.
How is it that so many of us can look at ourselves in such disgust, such hatred. We stand in front of the mirror and point out every flaw, overlooking all of our assets, all of our perfections. The once we can “fix” or get rid of one flaw, we begin looking for another. This pattern continues in the hope that one day we will finally attain what we consider perfection. What we fail to realize is that there is no such thing, and even if there was you would never attain it because you will continue to find just one more flaw…
I’m the type of girl who can walk into a room of people and become the center of attention, start conversations at ease, make all of those around me laugh and feel completely comfortable, smile, appear strong and confident, and then go home alone, lay down and cry myself to sleep…