Numb

How is it that you can long so much for something yet once it comes within reach you can’t help but run? You wish you had someone who truly loved you, someone you could trust, feel at home with, someone who will hold you with all their might and never let go, yet as soon as you get close you shut down and run the opposite way. Away to someone who would never give you a second thought, views you as an option, because thats where you feel comfortable. How is it that I’m more comfortable having sex with a person who feels nothing for me over someone who actually cares? I want to care, take down my wall, but I can’t. I think I’ve experienced so much hurt that I’m permanently numb, and my heart and mind won’t allow me to open up again. To risk that hurt because there has never been a time that I have brought down that wall and not had someone take advantage of that and break me down all over again.

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The Truth Behind the Smile

I am the most unhappy person you will probably ever encounter, and yet you would never know it. It’s amusing how easily we can hide from the world with a smile, laughter, overcompensation, clothes, the people around us, etc. We take so much time to hide who we really are; our pain, our past, our failures, our faults; that we become lost in this persona and sometimes start to forget ourselves what our true identity is. We live in a world based on acceptance, and therefore spend our entire lives trying to live up to everyone else’s expectations instead of just taking the time to embrace who we are. And the most ironic part of all this is that we know this and yet choose to continue this path based on fear rather than attempting to change it. There are even traits about ourselves that we don’t see are all just a phasad, something else to cover up our true feelings or true selves. I personally use humor and anger as a shield to prevent revealing my true feelings, feelings I perceive as weak. I’ve taken the time to build this giant wall around myself to prevent being judged or hurt because I feel as if that happens even once more that I may just shatter completely. But the truth is all I’m doing is preventing myself from living, and by preventing myself from being hurt, I’m also preventing myself from being loved. You don’t have the option of shutting out one or the other because they go hand in hand…

An Unwanted Memory

I wish we had the ability to erase memories because everytime I think of you my heart breaks a little more. All I can think about is your smile, our long talks, and the way I felt little butterflies everytime I saw your face. For the first time I felt like I liked a person not because I needed them but because it was real. I didn’t need you, I wanted to. For the first time it felt like a choice rather than a dependency. I have never felt so compatible with a person, had such a real connection without involving sex. How do you just forget that, move on without a second thought, I know I can’t. You could have at least given some sort of explanation, just said you were over it and wanted me out of your life so I could hate you and move on, but instead you drag me along, and months later I still stare at my phone waiting for your call. I feel as though you took your time slowly opening up my heart, breaking down my wall piece by piece, as if it were a game, and just when that wall was completely gone, when I finally became vulnerable, you reached in a shattered the last pieces of my heart that were left. So now if anyone new tries to come around my heart is ten times colder, and my wall ten feet higher. So now no one ever has a chance to get in…

Always on the side

I’m never the one that’s cheated on, yet I’m always the one who’s cheated with, and what most people don’t realize is that that hurts just as much if not more. Because in the end you’re the one they go back to, regret losing, want to be with, and me? I’m just the mistake, and once the truth unravels I’m the one left alone. Turns out I was the whole time. All I had was a presence there to ease the pain, escape from that reality..if only for a moment. I don’t have someone who can’t help but look at me in awe, smile when they see my face, put me first…someone to care. All I have are people whose only thought that crosses their mind when it comes to me is how great I’d be to have for that one night. See the thing is you’re the one they mourn over, wish they’d never messed up with because you’re the “real thing”. And me? I’m the regret, the mistake that messed all of that up. Although this may sound crazy, I’d much rather be on the other side of the equation because then at least I’d have something, have someone…It’s better to have that and lose it than to never have it at all.

Breaking Point

Every person has a breaking point, the point when you have been broken down and gotten back up so many times, used what little in you you had left to try again and give everything you have only to have it fail yet again. But at this point, you don’t have it in you to get back up because there is nothing left to give. It make look to others that you’re completely broken and they feel the need to feel sorry for you, pity you, but you, you finally feel a sense of relief. You now have the assurance that it won’t happen again, that you can’t be hurt again. Every person that has broken you down, caused this pain, has taken a piece of you, and this time they took the very last piece. Now you’re just numb. You don’t feel happiness, yet you also don’t feel pain. You’re no longer broken, you’re empty. A shell with no emotion, containing nothing but past memories. You can finally glide through life content, without the fear of falling because you have already hit the bottom…