Epiphany

The worst thing to realize is that u wasted your life, something u will never get back, not on something that just didn’t work out, but that u find out was a complete lie from the very start…

Will probably add this or turn it into a longer writing but had to post it bc it was on my mind now, and I have about 4 new posts il be putting up tomorrow.: )

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How can a person look into your eyes, smile at you everyday, confess how much they love you, when every single word that comes out of their mouth is a lie, every promise made will be broken, every sincere apology really means leave it alone they did nothing wrong and will do it again with no sympathy or regret whatsoever. How can a person say they love you when they constantly engulf you in pain and disappointment, and everytime they do it they shatter a small piece of you, pieces you can never get back. The cycle continues, quickly chipping you away piece by piece until there is nothing left to shatter; to take. They continue giving you a sliver of happiness, a glimmer of hope that they’ve changed, so we give them that 2nd, 8th, 20th chance, only for them to without hesitation rip it all from under you, leaving you hurt, broken, and stupid for falling for it all over again. The love we have for them, our entire heart and soul we’ve given to them completely blinds us, erases all of our common sense, all of our knowledge and instincts. It continues to give us the hope and faith that this person loves us too, loves us so much that they will change, stop lying, treat us right, do anything to maintain our happiness, yet it never happens because they don’t actually love or care for us in the slightest bit. All we are are placeholders waiting until the person they actually feel is the right one comes along….

Insanity

During a period of insanity, a person doesn’t realize they’re insane. Only after do their eyes finally open allowing them to see, most of the time. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result, but there’s another word that also comes to mind when I hear that definition; love. I feel it’s only right that love be placed in the thesaurus as another synonym for insanity because it seems to me they mean the same thing. Or maybe I’m wrong and instead love is just the cause for insanity, like the side effects listed on the side of a prescription bottle, except love doesn’t come with those warnings on a label or in an instruction booklet. Instead rather, you have to take the risk of falling into it to find out. But after that first fall, rather than taking heed to what cautions are now reality, you continue to chase it, yearn for it, develop the belief that you need it, just as you would for those drugs in a prescription bottle. You’ve now experienced the risks first hand, have the knowledge of what happened the first time, and yet you’re still seeking it out again with the belief that it will be real this time, that it will last, that it will be different. Then sooner or later you do happen upon it again, except it doesn’t last, and the only thing that’s different are the wounds, the scars you attained this time. This time you tell yourself it won’t happen again but times passes by, and this time love surprises you, and slowly but surely you fall again, and those hopes, dreams, and expectations creep back in and you’re positive that this time it is different, until it eventually isn’t….and the cycle continues. Now tell me isn’t that insanity? And why is it that we can never open our eyes long enough to see it……

Im back :)

I’ve been gone quite awhile, been going through a lot of things, but I’m back 🙂 and the positive is I have so much more to now write about. Hopefully you haven’t forgotten me, and enjoy the previous of course and new posts I’ll be writing. And I encourage comments and feedback because I’d really like to know what you think, so please let me know! I actually just finished a new writing now, but I’ll start with one of my recent tattoos and favorite quote.

“I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again”. I love the whole thing, but that’s my favorite line. 🙂

The Words You Used to Say to Me…

This is just something short I wrote really for myself and for someone else, and originally didn’t plan on posting it, but let me know what you think.. 🙂

I miss the day a few months after we became an us within that first year when we were just talking on the phone, like we did all the time for hours then, and you said out of no where, “I was the light of your life”, and actually meant it. I laughed because it was cheesy and adorable and no one had ever said anything like that to me before, and it immediately gave me butterflies and made me incredibly happy. You essentially said to me that I was the best thing in your life and made you truly happy. I never knew that inside you actually took offense and thought I was laughing at you and basically making fun of you saying that and so never said anything like that again or I would have told you, told you that I would have never laughed at you or made fun of you for that. It took me by surprise and I laughed because it was the most adorable thing, and I’d heard it in movies and assumed you had too, not that you just thought it up to say to me because that was exactly how you felt about me. I wish I knew then, I wish you had said something, so I could tell you that, and tell you that I felt the same. Tell you that that you saying that brought the biggest smile across my face and that in that moment, you saying those words to me, made me think of absolutely nothing else, and that in that moment I felt truly happy. And I wish I knew so that you could have said it again or at least something like it, but I guess it’s too late for that now and it really doesn’t matter because you don’t feel that way about me anymore. Sometimes I wonder now if you even did then, if you even meant those words when you said them, but I’ll continue believing you did, so that I can have that memory and believe that this wasn’t all just a game to you, that at some point in time you truly loved me. I just wish I got to hear those words again and that you meant them now…..

 

Second Chances

Why do I continue to put so much faith, hope, in someone who will never change? Why do I have so much belief in someone who repeats the same patterns over and over again? Someone who uses me, lies to my face daily, is never there, throws me to the side as though I’m nothing with no empathy or emotions whatsoever, while I give 100% of everything to him get nothing in return. I give him chance after chance, truly believing that he loves me, that it will be different this time. That he loves me so deeply that he would want to change, treat me right, make me happy, be the person I fell in love with again. In the beginning he was there through everything, did everything in his power for months to gain my trust, asked for this relationship, said those three words first, made me so happy, told me I was the light of his life, and then everything changed; he changed. Every aspect, characteristic that I fell in love with disappeared and it progressively got worse until the point that I have nothing in my heart left to give, to the point that I am filled with so much hate, so much anger towards him for what he has done to me; how he shattered me and my life piece by piece without me even realizing it until there was nothing left to shatter, to break. He is the only person I truly fell in love with, gave my entire heart, soul, everything to, and this is what I end up getting in return. I told him in the beginning, with everything I have been through that I literally cannot handle being hurt again, and he gave me his word, and did everything in his power, everything right until I finally believed him, and then when he knew he had my heart in his hands he crushed it. And then I stupidly gave him yet another chance to keep his word, try to make this work. I even said he could give it a month trial, live here, move forward like he agreed, promised and lied about to me over and over again, so I could show him he would be happy even though I was never the one who was the problem, and then he could move in permanently and we could finally start the next step in our relationship and that if he couldn’t do that that I couldn’t do this anymore. And his response? That he’d have to think about it. After everything he did to me, that he’s supposedly in love with me and will lose me if he can’t for once in return come out of his comfort zone and move forward, and all he had the nerve to say to me was he’d think about it. That response broke me, destroyed the little I had left. After all the promises and lies, he couldn’t think to himself that he loves me and couldn’t imagine life without me, that I deserve for him to at least try rather than making the choice to lose me forever? And then knowing the outcome I gave him one last chance to give me an answer by morning, to think one more time and take this seriously and give me the right answer. And for some reason I built up so much faith in him that he would this time, but instead that same night he holds me, embraces me, makes ‘love’ to me, and then immediately after before even sleeping on it, he says that he would never live in this prison with me. Instantaneously tears uncontrollably ran down my face, I let him use me again, and his response wasn’t to comfort me, apologize, change his mind; he said don’t act like you didn’t get something out of it too….Never again will my wall ever come down for anyone, never again will I give another person a chance. I have nothing left to give, and I now finally know that true love really is a myth, something made up to give us something to live for, when in reality all it is is something that gives you glimpses of happiness, glimpses of hope, and constant pain, and then your entire world crumbles from beneath you and you’re empty all over again….